2005.07.07 - second child syndrome -
Today I was surfing around some new mama blogs. And remembering. New mamas saying things like, "the baby loves going on outings!" and "he will never let me put him down, ever."
And I remembered those days when Everett was tiny, and everything was BIG. He had this gigantic personality around which we centered our lives. Everything we did was HUGE and IMPORTANT and was the way we were going to do it, always. We were so smart, and so overwhelmed with our importance in this little guy's life, and so thrilled that we were his chaperones.
So what's changed? Mostly, everything. This laissez faire mama is way, way more laissez now. While his overwhelming sweet cuteness is nothing to be sneezed at, I'm laughing at myself way more. I'm laughing that I could presume to have any clue what he's thinking, or whether he is even thinking, much, after all. I'm laughing that I call him "smart" when he accidentally bonks the little turtle on his frog gym. I'm laughing that I can't put him down, and missing him when I do and he totally loves it.
And I'm taking it very easy on myself, not imagining that my choices today will have all that huge an impact on him three years from now (except, of course, for the kisses - no one can have too many kisses, and judging from Everett's trails of kisses up and down my arm, they do have a huge and long-lasting effect), not beating myself up about letting him fall asleep with a pacifier or take a bottle "too early." (as someone smart said to me tonight, nipple confusion my a$$, just give them a bottle!)
But do I love him any less? No, no, no. Impossible. I love them both to pieces, each in a more complex and deep way than the other.
zany and happy