As I said in an email to board of Cafe au Play, "I am a person of profound passion, dedication, and just as profound faults." One of those faults is that I love things so much that I commit to them when I clearly have no time. In that email I quit as board member (with a pitch for creating a craft circle at Cafe au Play once it did, indeed, open).
I quit so I could enjoy my children while they're still little and cute as the day is long, so I could write things here because of a bikeriding inspiration, so I could focus on my work, so I could help Larissa with 'the book' and maybe one day soon start my own book project, so I could write about how much I adore Busy Corner Grocery on 41st just north of Steele (best latte in Portland! Tapas and pink Spanish wine! Anchovy-stuffed olives!), so maybe I could do my taxes before the IRS hauls me away in chains.
Naturally, I feel as if I have all the free time in the world now. It isn't true. But it's a little closer to being true than it was last week. Certainly, I will devote more time to various artistic pursuits. I will write more. I will clean up my office/craft room/photo "storage" space. Really I will. I will!! I will finally email a few people back who've been pinging me, to no avail.
Suddenly my family is bigger and smaller. As I was typing this post, the girls were spirited away. It was, mostly, exactly as I expected it. I got a call, from my sister-in-law, and in less than 20 minutes their things were packed, their mom's boyfriend was here, stuffing his Jeep madly with boxes and bags of clothes because the repo man wasn't far behind. Nothing says "class" and "love" quite like a stale-smoke-smelling guy yelling at the girls to get back in the car, no they can't hug Erin! No! GET BACK IN THE CAR! ... and I was suddenly filled with regret, inadequacy, fear for them, anger at myself for not being able to have found it in me to love them enough to say STOP!
My family is bigger, though, and my love seems terrifically stretched right now. My brother's wife, Destiny, is pregnant again; my husband's little sister, Betsy, is pregnant with her first child, a boy; and I just learned yesterday that Jonathan's youngest brother and on-again, off-again resident of our basement, Matt, is going to be a dad (despite the rather strartling circumstance and short tenure of the relationship, he seems happy, settled, and I am happy for him). Three cousins within four months, doubling the size of our extended family. I found my face flushing, wondering, who would be next?, half-expecting a call from my sister Hannah or Jennifer, or to discover that I, myself, am pregnant.
I need the free time, to knit blessing way blankets and soft little hats and, let's not forget, meatheads and the red s of all kinds wrap I'll be contributing to the book (yes! very soon in this very blog I'll be hosting a knitalong!).
I hope that I will use my free time wisely. I hope that my children will flourish and my husband will find peace. I hope that my home will become ordered and my life will remain rich. I hope that this ... all this ... was the right thing to do.