cafe mama

a domestic realist blog

warning label . 02 october 2017

I smile on the mountain because he is my lover

You may need to heed the warning label.

We all come with them and they flash loudest and brightest weeks into a relationship. They flash loudest on a first date.

We ignore them. And then we're left, in love. What we do next is up to us.

Don't say I didn't warn you, she'd tell me, if she were smart. If she were smart enough to be deliberately and consciously cruel. If she were, she'd say, I told you I'd hurt you.

She did of course. I didn't tell her anything. I told her everything. I let her read my essay, my "Invasive Species": 17,129 words of how very vulnerable and flawed I am. I let her read this first. I let her read this before she moved in.

The thing about me you'll learn is I see my warning signs as my chief attributes. The thing I'll learn about her is that she saw my warning signs as judgment. She saw my warning signs as all her fears. She saw my warning signs as reasons never to get too close. "You can never see my real look," she said to me one day. The look on her face. It had always to be composed, otherwise no one would like her. That kind of pressure to perform, even in my home? No wonder she had to let the warning bells drown out everything else.

He saw my warning signs too and he fell in love with me and then he made them his narrative. When I was making my narrative, love.

I had my story, they had theirs. Is it any wonder they left me for each other?

Don't say I didn't warn you. (Now I'm saying this to you: the reader. The past. The future. My heart.) There will be children. Messy children, children at the table and in the kitchen. Children at the bedroom door. Children with whom my relationship is open like my door. Like my heart. And I will always want more.

There will be their father. He will be in my boundaries and at first you will ache for me and then you will ache for you.

It will get better, but you may not have patience for that, or for my patience. The boys need to know he wants them, even if he can't want them right.

There will be food. Food everywhere, in space and time, because I love with food and I am hungry and that heals me. I will make you dinner nearly every day and breakfast on my day off and I will put too much jam in jars and I will fill the freezer with blueberries and the counter with tea. There will be bits of garlic skins on the floor and butter everywhere. I know it is too much. I am working on it.

I will judge. I will judge you and I will judge other people but I will not judge the spiders and the blackberries and the trees. I make few promises; but I promise my judgment is full of empathy and I forgive you already for hurting me. It was I, after all, who judged you able -- and I take my chances.

I will never cease in my quest for knowledge and fiercely assail any mind that is not as open as my heart. I will tell you things you may already know but I will also tell you new things, and I will want to learn from you, too.

I will collect feathers and rocks and bits of lichen and bone. I will touch everything I can. I will want to sit in the sun and walk in the rain and I will tell you to look at the moon.

I will never let go of love.

I will be happy. I will share my joy with you and I will tell everyone how good you make me feel. The smile on my face sometimes will light up the night.

When I am not happy I will tell you that too. You do not need to do anything about it. I just wanted you to know.

My joy is my power but my grief is my wisdom. It will be complex. It will be a struggle.

When you let me in I will let you in, far more than you expected, far more than you could have known. I am sorry if it scares you.

It terrifies me too. I am learning to let go of fear.

It is my direst warning that I will want that for you too.

comments powered by Disqus

read my previous post . this is the thing about the health care debate

I'd love to take you on a meditative garden bike tour of Portland, with stops at the Chinese Garden and Japanese Garden. I also am doing a doughnut bike tour I call "Beyond Voodoo". Please come see me at Cordilleran Tours, bicycling, hiking, Willamette Valley winery and Columbia Gorge tours!